Failed Fulfillments

Hi. It’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me.

Do you ever feel like you just never learn your lesson in overextending yourself and filling your plate? I think you’ll notice a common theme here if you read enough of these blogs. I just do not learn. I am however getting a lot of practice in setting and holding boundaries. I find myself bogged down with failed fulfillments.

I had to do something yesterday I never thought I would do. I said no to Women’s Group.

You may have seen on social media me mention our women’s group. It’s an incredibly fulfilling once a week meeting with six women where we read and study Christ centered books and do the work of the accompanying book / Bible study and it is something we all look forward to each week. We have met for 2 years and we have grown such a deep bond. A lot of laughter, wine, and tears have all been shared around the table together. It’s something that is truly life giving.

And I had to say no to it.

I am actually really proud of the hard decisions I have had to make in order to make space for other things. I was really stressed over the 25 pages of reading / work that was looming over me and I just knew that I couldn’t do it. I sat down and asked myself what could possibly give. I am behind on two other programs I have paid for and there are only so many hours in the day so I sent a long text to the group that I already have a feeling of FOMO, or fear of missing out on, and tell them I could not participate.

Why?

Well, I paid for a course to get my insurance license. The course only lasts 30 days. If I need an extension (I signed up a couple weeks ago) I have to pay an additional fee. 

I also paid for a business academy. This was a huge investment for me, I have never taken a business course and this is rigorous. There were 10, 2-hour zoom sessions leading up to the course, and there are 11 additional 2-hour sessions to complete, and I am flying to Dallas in May for the conference. So needless to say I feel so behind and a bit overwhelmed.

Couple that with Drew being home for 2 months which just throws a wrench in my normal day-to-day routine. Oh and did I mention we are in the middle of MULTIPLE renovation projects?

Renovations include…

Home: master bath, master walk in closet addition with root cellar underneath, wall in kitchen removed, expanding doorways

Farm: adding a riding arena, adding a new road/turnaround for trailers, adding tar and chip down our drive, tearing out all overgrowth and trees from two ponds and moving dirt to renew them

Barn: changing the front face of our barn to add windows, garage doors, and pedestrian doors, adding electrical, adding tar and chip, converting indoor arena to a workshop

We completely gutted our master bath which also included our closet in order to enlarge the new bathroom, so all my clothes are on wire rolling racks crowding my bedroom. I just learned I am getting ‘kicked out’ of our bedroom so the contractors can have a staging area of all their equipment and supplies.

Our guest bedroom is consumed with an overflow of clothes with nowhere to hang them and we have to move all of our bedroom furniture and items into this other room. We also ripped down a wall in our kitchen so there are exposed electrical wires just dangling in the way as you enter the home.

I had to move a huge bookcase into my kitchen with all my canned goods to make room on the wall for work on the doorway and drywall. Our dining room table is currently my office so we have no place to eat except on the couch. We have a loft which is overflowing with extra furniture and knickknacks with not much room for guests on the two day beds we have but, did I mention we have two sets of guests coming to stay with us for the weekend? One from Barbados coming at the end of April, and one from Tennessee at the end of May. Our home is complete chaos. I added an Instagram reel if you’d like to see the carnage for yourself.

The barn, the shop conversion, the new roads etc are all separate contractors doing the work and every single day for the last three weeks I have had 2 to 3 contractors come to visit to do workups, bids, meetings etc. Each meeting takes at least two hours out of the day. I am solely managing these projects. By myself. Just me and my spreadsheets.

I love Drew but he is completely hands off. His faith in me is pretty astounding actually, considering I am determining where the plugs should go in his shop for the welder, air compressor, and where the lift will be… Anyone else have a husband like this?

I am attempting to go home to California the first week of May which will be the first time I have been home in 5 YEARS. This is also the same week Drew and I are undergoing our IVF journey (this is the FIRST time I have even mentioned this publicly), where we will have to drive to Cincinnati 2 to 3 times per week for medications, procedures, and monitoring. 

No big deal.

I am also keenly aware that my gardens and the animals stalls are also neglected during such a rushed time as this and that adds another level of stress.

So the fact of the matter is I have to be very conscientious what I say yes to, and I am going to have to say no more and more. This is a season of chaos and business and really focusing on our immediate family (and hopefully growing it) and that means I will have to say no to a lot things that I really love.

With an anxious heart,

Lauren